Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
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The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money