Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
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Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway