FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
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I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Had a spot of bother earlier.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens