me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
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how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
you have three unread messages
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Mission: Impossible
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die