accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
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“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.