@Bratch_Patch: "Friends are a dime a dozen." *pulls out a sack full of dimes* "Sweet, I'll take 32 dozen friends please."
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@TheToddWilliams: [murder trial] LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife's life support for five minutes? COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
@Brianhopecomedy: Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
@TheCatWhisprer: [cat support technician] Me: So you're here to fix my computer? Cat: *nods* Me: Great, here it is. Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
@ericsshadow: [anniversary dinner] HER: tell me something that will make my heart race ME: my credit card got declined