@Bratch_Patch: "Friends are a dime a dozen." *pulls out a sack full of dimes* "Sweet, I'll take 32 dozen friends please."
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@JohnFugelsang: Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
@Everette: iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they're basically the same
@farleftcoast: A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.
@LeBearGirdle: Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV! Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!