@Bratch_Patch: "Friends are a dime a dozen." *pulls out a sack full of dimes* "Sweet, I'll take 32 dozen friends please."
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@ParasiteHilton: *”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl* Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr— *300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
@5oulhealer: When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn't deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.