There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
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Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Every. Damn. Time.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,