Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
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*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.