1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
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when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow