Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
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Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.