Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
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Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.