Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
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Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
This is true.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.