@novicefather: Friends don't let friends have friends. Be a friend, don't be a friend.
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@joejwest: [knocking at the door] VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police! ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
@dsmitty62: I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
@kyle_thatisall: [walks in meeting late] "Sorry I was busy with important-" SIRI (from pocket): OK here's what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here? ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don't. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.