@novicefather: Friends don't let friends have friends. Be a friend, don't be a friend.
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@rockymomax: BAILIFF: do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the ME: no JUDGE: [flipping through law handbook] what do we do if he says no?
@ShutUpThatsWho: [opening can of Russian Pringles] once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can] huh [inside that can is an even smaller can] wtf [in..
@BoogTweets: Mom: Your son still won't do his laundry. Talk to him Dad: I'm not going in there Mom: Why Dad: Last week I stubbed my toe on 1 of his socks