@novicefather: Friends don't let friends have friends. Be a friend, don't be a friend.
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@LoriLuvsShoes: My 16: "How come when my friends come over you're suddenly the nicest mom in the world?"
@themiltron: [first day as a coroner] me: he died at 11:42AM detective: are you positive me: it's hard with all this death but i'm hanging in there
@Kyle_Raney: DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Some coworkers sign emails with "cheers" or "sincerely" followed by their names but I typically use "you've made a powerful enemy today."