@novicefather: Friends don't let friends have friends. Be a friend, don't be a friend.
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@AnotherFunnyGuy: If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
@ericsshadow: [on a business trip to South Carolina] Nice to meet you. I'm from Philadelphia. "Welcome to the United States."
@markleggett: A man who calls himself "Dog the Bounty Hunter" is currently hunting down a man named "War Machine". We all live inside a comic book now.