My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
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I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.