Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
You Might Also Like
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Lassie, get help!
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Born to be mild.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
screw you
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting