Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
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me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth