@jwoodham: "Friends" ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, "me having friends" ended long before that.
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@WheelTod: Somewhere a village is missing its idiot. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I can't remember where I live.
@Playing_Dad: My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists.
@themiltron: [first day as a coroner] me: he died at 11:42AM detective: are you positive me: it's hard with all this death but i'm hanging in there
@Just__J0: "I'll never understand why people can't sleep with a closet door open" I say while making sure my feet don't hang over the side of the bed.