“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
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*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit