“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
You Might Also Like
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
How I’d get arrested…
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.