Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
You Might Also Like
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Why can’t mirrors be nicer