Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
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Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I finally found a reason to live again.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Spa day..😅
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene