Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
You Might Also Like
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.