[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
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I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.