Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
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911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly