Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
You Might Also Like
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier