Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
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Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?