@aparnapkin: Friendship: because I've said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
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@LikeABaus91: Red bull gives you crippling heart palpitations just doesn't have the same ring to it.
@Carbosly: There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I'll kill you all.
@TheToddWilliams: TRUMP: Let's get that Muslim Band going "Band? We thought you said ban" TRUMP: No way, that's harsh. Also, how's that Mexican mall coming?
@Pro_Jones_: Therapist: So what's the problem? Wife: He thinks he's a flamingo. Me: That's it! I'm putting my foot down. *lowers foot that was raised*