Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
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Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.