Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
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My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I feel it
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.