Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
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Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”