@mydanimarie: FRIENDSHIP TIP: stick your head under the bathroom stalls and introduce yourself! You never know where you'll find your soulmate
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@juneohara65: My cat is smarter than I am but I'm brighter than most plants, so I feel like I'm holding my own.
@3sunzzz: Hang up weed instead of mistletoe, then every time you stand under it you can have a snack.
@murrman5: [wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house] "stop crying for a second...what do you mean you lost me?"
@chinchillasaur: [graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that's really great