I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
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what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.