Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
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pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
#SuperBowl
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak