Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
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My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
asking santa clause for nudes
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless