Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
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[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.