Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
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Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.