Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
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Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Doctors texting each other.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.