Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
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Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.