From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
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I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
🍞🦆
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
But that’s none of my business
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves