FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
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People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?