From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
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Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Me recordaron éste meme
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
*Inspirational Tweets*
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs