From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
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sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.