From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
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Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.