From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
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She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Oh yeah that’s it
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question