From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
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Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.