From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
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You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people