From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
first you must answer his riddles
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.