From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
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If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.