[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
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Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
my dad has had enough
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Stop being racist to kettles.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,