[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
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How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
A ghost story
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.