FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
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Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
True
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.