Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
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I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.