From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
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Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.