My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
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I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Buying a well is money well spent.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
i’m still crying at this
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.